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( Anonymous )
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I like to make people feel bad about their flaws and failures. I point them out harshly;specially to close relatives or friends. I do it because I think it makes me feel better about my own flaws or failures... but yes, I won't lie - deep down I like to hurt people as much as I'm hurting. I want to prove that happiness isn't possible. That we're all hopeless in life and that there's no point. I want people to bleed inside. I create big fights; and everybody ends up crying and hurt; then I cry about what I've done and feel worst - yet I can't seem to stop. It's a rush, a way to let everything out. To scream and use my frustrations as bullets. I'm frustrated about those flaws. I want everything to be perfect, balanced and happy. I want perfection and the fact that I can't achieve it makes me want to crumble. I have an idealization about what I'd like my life to be and it never happens. I try to change it and improve - I do it but I'm never satisfied. I'm killing myself emotionally and the people I care about (yet I think deep down I don't even care about much anymore).
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MystiqueBeauty16
Soothsayer
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I think you do care, especially since you went into such details with why exactly you do all this and how it's helping you to feel better about yourself. You want to hurt people but at the same time you don't because you know it's only giving you temporary relief from your own flaws and imperfections, which you wish would just go away instantly and make you perfect. What you've got to realize is that the closest you can get to perfection in this world is imperfection. No one is ever perfect, and no one ever will be. Personally, I don't think the word really exists. If you want to feel better about yourself, try a more constructive way of doing it. It might sound stupid, but usually helping others, like some volunteer work, will make you feel good about yourself in a way that won't make you feel horrible about what you've said and done later. If that doesn't work, whenever you feel an insult coming on or something you want to say, bite your tongue or lip. Make it bleed if you have to, just to get yourself to stop yourself from saying something nasty to someone. It's only going to keep building up in your subconscious and you're going to feel way worse about yourself than you ever did before if you keep trying to control your pain in such an unconventional way. It will only lead to more emotional trauma.
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The mind may forget, but the heart always remembers.
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Post from this position was omitted due to content violations
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Major
Soothsayer
 Patron
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Why do you want other people to hurt? the people you care about can pull you up, rather than you dragging them down. if you're mean and horrible, you'll eventually end up isolated, because people will take their own happiness into consideration and abandon you.
When you try to improve your life, you need to do so in extremely small increments. One week you'll lose a lb, one week you'll go to bed before 11 pm every night, you'll get an A on a test, and these little instances build up your morale and build up on each other until you find yourself actually satisfied.
Another thing to try is to completely alter your life. for example, pick up a job, drive a different way to school, even wear a different perfume. change your schedule completely-- the lifestyle you're living is the one you should associate with your past, unhappy self, and you need to rearrange things in order for you to prepare for a new self. Post edited at 8:07 pm on Aug. 26, 2008 by Major
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what inspires you should entire you
live how you want to be loved
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8:07 pm on Aug. 26, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 369 Days Active
Join to learn more about Major Florida, United States | Female | 8490 Posts | 12597 Points
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( Anonymous )
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I can say all the things I say and still they love me - I don't get it. If I was them I'd had left years ago. It must not be that bad, yet I find it worthy of punishment. It's as if I want them around but then I don't. I want to be surrounded by the people I love.. but I want to be isolated from everybody in my own world. I enjoy (for a lack of a better word) being a cold hearted bitch (Although I don't do this all the time.. It's once in a while. I don't go around sticking it to everybody) but I despise that about myself. It makes me sick to even think I can be like that. Mostly I'm really quiet and plain about things.. Perhaps the problem is that I keep trying to keep a calm secure appearance and then I go nuts. I want to not give a damn, to not care, love or need anything in life .. But that's not my nature. It's as if there was a huge conflict going on. I want to go in life as if things didn't matter and with my head high - I want to believe things are going to be okay but I don't want to care when they aren't. Being a perfectionist is ruining my life. Not having what I want from life and not being able to get it is suffocating me.
I've changed my life in the most drastic ways. I'm starting next week with another change in my environment, self and existence. Perhaps that's why I'm freaking out about all of this now... i don't want to keep doing this anymore, but the probabilities are that I will. Now; don't get me wrong. I'm not usually a horrible person but I am sometimes. I guess the problem is that I want something I can't get. I think I want something and then when I get it is either not what I really wanted or expected. I know perfection isn't real but I desire it with every inch of myself. I want perfection and control.
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Major
Soothsayer
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What is your definition of perfection? You need a clear cut goal in order to reach it-- you can't just set the line at "perfect" and destructively do all that you can to reach it.
You might enjoy being a "cold hearted bitch" because of that aspect of control, the fact that you can determine how another person feels about themself is definitely tantalizing. I'd recommend rerouting that desire of control to another venue though, because that behavior is counter productive to trying to reach a commonly accepted "perfection".
What kind of changes are you attempting?
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what inspires you should entire you
live how you want to be loved
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8:33 pm on Aug. 26, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 369 Days Active
Join to learn more about Major Florida, United States | Female | 8490 Posts | 12597 Points
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( Anonymous )
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Well I've changed my life entirely; like I said environment, self, existence. I'm starting over, relationships, comfort zones.. Everything new. I guess I'm trying to force myself to adapt and make it work the right way by being uncomfortable with the situations and having to work extra hard. By perfection like I said I want stability, control, happiness. I want what I idealize my life to be. I have high goals but I don't think they are unattainable. It's just that there's boundaries that won't let me attain them right now and that's something out of my league. I can't fix it and that's frustrating me to the top. I'm a control freak; I know it. I don't have control and I panic.. I'm in a full panic mode right now but I'm handling as if It was a normal. I guess I need to accept that I can't have what I want, and I do it - but something always happens and I start all over again into this vicious cycle. I'm scared of the changes that will come with my drastic life changing decisions and panicking because I lack that control and perfection. 
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